Another weekend with little kids

And thus ends the last of the weekends with the unusual age groups.

Yes. This year, I’ve spent weekends with 8th graders, 8th graders again, 6th graders, the elderly, and this past weekend, 6th and 7th graders.

They’re actually quite fun.

This weekend was CHUSY Kadima Kallah. This was my fourth, as I attended it in 6th, 7th, and 8th grade. I always loved them then. I really looked up to the USYers there, and this time I was the USYer! That was so cool.

But the kids were semi-annoying this weekend, regarding the scheduling. We gave them all pretty detailed schedules, but they were SO anal about them. “OMG, it is 12:33, we are THREE minutes late for lunch!” “It is 11:40. I don’t know HOW we’re going to be able to get to Battle of the Sexes by 11:45. We’ll just have to skip the Haftarah and Musaf.”

But mostly, they were a lot of fun.

If you ever need a self-esteem boost, go hang out with 6th graders–they all think you’re soooo cool.

A musical…in history?

AP European History. Mr. Schwarz. Assignment: make a creative presentation about your assigned person/people from the Industrial Revolution.

Lia, Anne, Lily, and Jenny’s assigned people: Thomas Malthus and David Ricardo.

Now, these guys are probably not the most exciting people in the world. They’re economists. Therefore, for our presentation, we decided to spice it up a little. We wrote a musical based on their theories. We called it “Malthusical…THE MUSICAL!”

As a brief background, their theories basically said that population will grow exponentially and food supply will grow arithmetically, and thus we will eventually run out of food to sustain the population. We used Sam (a worker) and Sue (his wife) to demonstrate this concept.

And now, the musical.

And now, we present to you, live from mods 11-13…
Malthusical…THE MUSICAL!

(To the tune of “Spinning Wheel” by Blood, Sweat and Tears)
Sam: Got a hole in my shirt
Need another one, get to work!

Sue: Making all this fabric’s got me blistered skin
I wish I could sit and watch the spinning wheel spin

James Hargreaves: You got no money, you’re stuck at home
Spinning wool all alone
hearing bout your troubles has allowed me to learn
Kick back and relax and let the spinning jenny turn

The spinning jenny soon got too big for James Hargreaves’s house, so he built a shed to put it in. This became the first factory. As the industrial revolution progressed, factories lined England’s riverfronts to take advantage of waterpower.

All: All the work we don’t have to do
Spinning wheel, spinning true
Drop all your troubles by the river-side
Fact’ries are the place to let the spinning wheel fly

Factories greatly increased the availability of manufactured products throughout the population, which led more people to lead more comfortable lives. As a result, many decided to raise families, and more kids survived infancy than ever before. Thomas Malthus, born in 1766, saw all of this as he was growing up. At the age of thirty-two, he speculated on the effects of the increasing population…

(To the tune of “Kids” from Bye Bye Birdie)
Malthus:
Kids!
Why are there so many kids today?
Kids!
Can’t the boys and girls just stay away, from each other?
Kids!
All that they accomplish is population growth
Overcrowding people shouting stop it!
And while we’re on the subject:
kids
what good does godwin think growth will do?
Kids!
Overcrowding leads to a lack of food

Interruption: Um, Malthus, don’t you have five kids?…

Malthus: …Diseases, starvation, hunger, children just cause dismay
What’s the deal with kids today?

Malthus saw that the growing population resulted in a large pool of workers all competing for the same jobs. Consequently, wages fell while the high demand for goods caused prices to rise.

(To the tune of “Imagine” by John Lennon)
Malthus:
Imagine fewer children
It’s easy if you try
More food for people
No population rise
Imagine all the workers getting better pay….

This is probably getting confusing for all of you. To elucidate, let me tell you the story of Sam. He had a comfortable life.

(To the tune of “Proud Mary” by…Tina Turner?)
Sam: I have a good job in the city
Working at the mill every night and day
Plenty of cash for one person
Never worrying about a wife or kids

All: Timeclock keep on turning
Coal fires keep on burning
And we’re working, working
Working on the river

Then, he fell prey to the nefarious “passion between the sexes…”
All: Tempted by the fruit of another…

The first time he laid eyes on Sue, he just knew he had to have her.

(To the tune of “Can’t Buy Me Love” by the Beatles)
Can’t buy me love, love
Can’t buy me love

I’ll buy you a diamond ring my friend if it makes you feel alright
I’ll get you anything my friend if it makes you feel alright
‘Cause I don’t care too much for money, money can’t buy me love

I’ll give you all I got to give if you say you love me too
I may not have a lot to give but what I got I’ll give to you
I don’t care too much for money, money can’t buy me love

Can’t buy me love, everybody tells me so
Can’t buy me love, no no no, no

Say you don’t need no diamond ring and I’ll be satisfied
Tell me that you want the kind of thing that money just can’t buy
I don’t care too much for money, money can’t buy me love

With happy hearts and now only adequate wage, Sam and Sue started their life together. And, as always happens when male and female are left in close proximity for an extended period of time, they succumbed to the “passion between the sexes”…
All: Tempted by the fruit of another

(To the tune of “Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles)
Once….
Here comes our son, little darlin’
Here comes our son, well I say, it’s alright
Little darlin, we’ll stretch our wages for one more person
Little darlin, he’s worth all that money can buy…

Twice….
Here comes our girl, little darlin’
Here comes our girl, well I guess it’s alright
Little darlin’ our wages are getting much thinner
Little darlin’ they’re shrinking exponentially….

Three times…..
Here comes one more, little darlin’
Here comes one more, well I say, we’re hungry
Little darlin, how will we feed you, we are poor now
Little darlin it seems like years since we’ve had dough…

Now it’s not alright anymore. If they had used birth control or abortion, they wouldn’t be starving now…

(To the tune of “At the End of the Day” from Les Miserables)
Sam and Sue:
At the end of the day there’s no food in our stomachs
And the children are weaker, they’re getting too thin
And Ricardo hurries past, doesn’t care ‘bout the little ones crying
And the winter is coming on fast, ready to kill
They’re one day nearer to dying

As expected, Sam and Sue’s kids all died a slow, painful, death of starvation and disease, caused by their parents’ poor planning. However, this is not an intrinsically bad result, since now Sam and Sue are again living comfortable on Sam’s original wage.

(“Proud Mary” reprise)
Sam: I have a good job in the city
All: Workin’ at the mill every night and day
Sam: Plenty of cash for me and Sue
Sam/Sue: And maybe just enough for a son or two.

The “passion by the sexes” (Tempted by the fruit of another…) will never diminish. Sam and Sue will probably make the same mistake again. The only real solution is not marrying so young—that way, they wouldn’t have as many years to help increase the population. The cycle of temptation and repentance will continue, with the accompanying vice and misery, until the end of time.

All:
Timeclock keep on turning
Coal fires keep on burning
And we’re working, working
Working on the river

8th graders, 6th graders, elderly…OH MY!

I’ve hung out with some diverse groups of friends the past three weeks. First 8th graders, then 6th graders, and then, this past weekend, the elderly! It’s been crazy.

I stayed at Gidwitz Retirement Home in Deerfield for Shabbat with Jenny, Shoshie, Shaina, Daniel, and Sondra. This was my third Gidwitz Shabbaton. We lead services for the residents, activities, etc. We sleep in a classroom and have our own meals, and it’s a lot of fun.

A summary of some of the funny moments from the Shabbat:

One of the old ladies, as we were leaving the room: “I hope you all have nice husbands!”

We went to the Alzheimer’s section of the nursing home to do a program with them. We didn’t plan this program, so we were expecting bingo, singing, or storytelling. Not exactly.
-We walked into the room, and the TV was blaring loudly. The activities director that we were with stormed in there and said, “ARE YOU HARD OF HEARING???” Yes! They’re in a nursing home! Of course they’re hard of hearing!! “WHY IS THE TV ON?”
-One woman pointed at Rose, standing guiltily by the TV. “Rose turned it on!”
-”ROSE! ARE YOU HARD OF HEARING? WHY IS THE TV ON?”
-Rose: “I…I…”
-Another old lady: “Wake up and smell the roses, Rose!”

So we found out the activity we were supposed to do with the residents. It was Abe Lincoln’s birthday that day, so they scheduled us to read from a little U.S. History picture book about him. We got sort of bored reading from the book about our 16th president, so Daniel, a good AP U.S. student, shared some of his knowledge. Then I got up there and told the Honest Abe story, and said how proud I am to live in Illinois, a state with so many things named for such an honest man (Lincolnwood, Lincolnshire, Lincoln Park, Land of Lincoln, etc). We discussed Springfield a little, too. One man said, “Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was Jewish? His real name was Avraham Leibowitz.” It was so bizarre.

After we exhausted the Lincoln discussion, we taught them one of our new favorite songs: “How are you, how are you, how are you, how are you, I’m FINE, baruch hashem!” They liked it.

One man told us a story about someone once insulted him by calling him “Double Picasso”: “You’re pi-pi, ca-ca, and so-so.” Ummm…

ETC.

It was a lot of fun, and I know the residents enjoyed our company.

Issue 4

I forgot to post a link to Issue 4 of West Word last week when it came out.

So here it is. Enjoy.

62

People at school today were selling bright green Livestrong-style bracelets to support the tsunami victims. But I was appalled by what they said.

“Tsunami Tsupport.”

I just don’t think that’s funny. At all.

6th graders!

This past weekend, I got to help staff the 6th grade Shabbaton for Schechter (my middle school). It was cool being back there, and it was a lot of fun.

But what made it especially fun was the 6th graders themselves. They are HILARIOUS. I almost wish I was back in 6th grade. Here are some memorable moments/quotes:

6th grade boy: I like [a 6th grade girl].
Me: Well, you should really use a corny pick-up line to ask her out. Girls love those.
6th grade boy: I have a good one: “Are you an overdue library book? Cause you’re FINE!”

The “6th-grade ooh”: it’s when someone says something insulting, and everyone around goes oooooooooohh! I achieved at least one or two of those.

Me: Are you friends with “Becca”? (Name changed to protect the identity of the involved parties)
6th grade girl: No.
Me: Why not?
6gg: Well, see…she…she hangs out with the boys who…the boys who don’t play sports.
Me: [laughing internally]
6gg: Yeah, they’re kinda…geeky.
Me: [still laughing internally]
6gg: And…she, well…she…she picks her nose!
Me: [rolling on the floor laughing]
6gg: And we tried to tell her to stop, but she said that she can’t help it. That’s really gross!

Another 6th grade girl: [hits 6th grade boy]
Another 6gg: Why are you hitting him? He’s not even your boyfriend!

I love it.

My goal “slipped” away from me, yet again

It’s just not meant to be.

My life goal is to go outdoor ice skating somewhere downtown at night–preferably at Millennium Park.

Every time I try to go there, however, it just doesn’t work out.

It’s actually happened three times.
1) A few years ago, for a BHUSY program, but it was canceled for some unknown reason. Instead, we had our amazing Downtown Dessert Hop.
2) Pre-convention. It was too cold (for the Californians…I could have taken it!), so we went to Navy Pier and skated indoors instead.
3) Tonight. I went with another chapter. We got there, only to discover that Millennium Park was already booked by a private party that reserved it only a night or two before. Sad. So we went to Navy Pier. And went on the Ferris Wheel. And that was about it.

I don’t get it. It’s a really simple life goal. I’m not aiming to make world peace, to be a doctor, or even to win the Pulitzer Prize. All I want to do is to go ice skating.

But no. That goal is slowly slipping away. It’s melting, leaving me in the cold.