This is how you leave a message.

Remember when answering machines were relatively new? You’d call someone, they wouldn’t be home, so the answering machine would pick up.

“Hello, you’ve reached the Smith residence at 555-1234. We’re not here right now, but if you leave your name, number, and a brief message after the beep, we’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks for calling, and have a great day.”

So, following the carefully outlined instructions, you’d leave a message after the “beeeeep.” After you did it once or twice, you kind of got the hang of it.

For some reason, though, as the years went by, people never really took those kind of messages off their machines.

And now, in the 2005 cell phone era, we are facing a similar–even a more annoying–situation.

“Hi, it’s John Smith, I can’t answer the phone now, so leave a message. [a computerized woman's voice:] Please speak after the tone. When you are finished recording, you may hang up, or press 1 for more options. To leave a callback number, press 5…Now, leave your message. The phone will make a beeping noise, and you will then speak afterwards. This beep will last no longer than four seconds. Talk, then hang up. Ready, go.”

This gets annoying very quickly. Really, cell phone answering machine, I’m a relatively smart person. I’ve been using cell phones for about four years, and regular phones my entire life. I have a pretty good idea how to leave a message. Please stop wasting my time.

WICKED!!!

I finally got to see “Wicked” last Thursday.

I’m so glad that I finally got to see the show. When it started
becoming popular (”pop-uuuu-lar”) on the east coast, my family ordered
tickets for a random day (July 14 = Bastille Day) in the summer, and
I’ve been counting down the days for months.

It was incredible. Ana Gasteyer of SNL played the lead (Elphaba), and
wow, I did not know she could sing like that. The other singers were
also very good. I loved the lighting and special effects, and it was
just a great performance. I loved the message of the play, too.

I had read the book before the play, warned by many that it was VERY
different from the play. It was. The book was too long, but the musical
did a great job of cutting out the boring parts and exaggerating the
exciting parts.

Anyone want to see the show again with me?

Now that I’ve seen this, the next musical on my list is “Rent.”
Everyone else seems to be obsessed with it, and I want to be also. It’s
in New York forever, but I don’t think it’s coming to Chicago for a
while. I hear the movie is coming out November 11, but I sort of want
to see the play first. If anyone wants to go to New York with me
sometime soon, I’d love that too.

“It’s time to trust my instincts–close my eyes, and leap…it’s time to try defying gravity.”

Shoo fly, don’t both-…oh, screw it, I’ll just kill you

Recently, I have noticed a rather large amount of flies flying around
buildings, houses, kitchens, Lia’s bedroom, the office–pretty much
everywhere except where they’re supposed to be, which is outside.

My dad showed me a rather interesting way to kill a fly, that has a
“97.5% success rate.” Though it may disturb the more squeemish of us, I
think that some of you will find it helpful.

I now present to you our model, Jonathan Lehrer, in “Fly Away to Die*.”

*No flies (or Photoshop files) were harmed in the making of this demonstration

Step 1: Convince the fly to land on a flat surface, like a countertop
or table. This won’t work if a fly is on a vertical surface.

Step 2:

Do NOT attempt to kill the fly by hovering your hand over the fly and
bringing it down on the fly, as shown above. The fly WILL escape.

Step 3:

Place your hands a few inches above the counter, palms flat, thumbs
pointed up, each hand on either side of the fly. Say goodbye to Mr. Fly.

Step 4:

Quickly clap your hands together. “Flies always fly up, like a
helicopter,” fly expert Jonathan Lehrer explained. “The movement of the
hands scares the fly. Flies fly up, because that’s just the direction
they fly. The amount of time it takes to clap your hands is the exact
amount of time it takes the fly to move 3-4 inches above the table,
which puts them right between your palms.”

Step 5:

You have successfully killed a fly in the palm of your hands. You may
want to wash your hands with soap. You can estimate the amount of time
you should wash your hands by singing the entire score of the HMS
Pinafore.

Step 6:

Relax, and enjoy your fly-less house. Newspapers are for reading, not fly-swatting.

Ahh! My back!

I think I have become a 60-year-old man.

Well, maybe not. But I don’t think I’ve ever felt pains in my back like this before.

I’ve been doing a lot of filing at work (in between stuffing envelopes), and I guess today did it for my back. I had to reach high (yeah, I had to stand on a stool to reach the top drawer–I’m short) and low, bend over and reach across shelves. I only got a few papercuts and I only needed two band-aids for my fingers.

I don’t imagine that I’ll be very comfortable sleeping tonight. And it’s too bad that I don’t like massages, because one would feel really good right now if I liked them.

I have therefore narrowed down my career options. When I grow up, I do NOT want to be a professional filer.

Boom! Oooh! Ahhhhh! Shut up!

I can’t believe that I saw fireworks not once, but twice last weekend.

Sunday night, I was at Navy Pier after seeing the hilarious Second City’s Romeo and Juliet: The Musical, and then Monday night, I was dragged to the Morton Grove fireworks.

I haven’t been in this state for the 4th of July for the past three
years, and my memory doesn’t stretch much farther back. I guess I had
forgotten how silly fireworks are.

At Navy Pier, definitely the most entertaining part were the people
around me and their side noises. After a few incredibly amazing faraway
lights of fire in the sky that pollute the air and really make me feel
like a true American went off, people seemed to notice that nobody was
doing the “Oooh! Ahhh!” noises. So, some little kids did. That
apparently annoyed the little kids’ older sister, so it became “Oooh!
Ahhh!” “Shut up!” “Oooh, ahhhh, ooo-” “SHUT UP!”

Each firework is pretty similar to the one that precedes it, but yet everyone seems to have their favorite.

“Wow! It’s the bright sparkly one with the sizzling noise that stays in
the air for five seconds! This one is my favorite. No, this next one
with the multicolors is my favorite. Oh no! Now is the finale! THAT is
my favorite!”

I found it hard to believe that the Morton Grove fireworks could be
“better” than Navy Pier’s, but they were. But just as Ellie dragged
Sharon and I to Morton Grove, we dragged her out of there before the
fireworks ended (therefore avoiding the mad rush of people who must
have been speeding home to listen to Sousa and really pontificate the
meaning of freedom in America).

Maybe someone could explain the lure and popularity of the specks of
light in the sky. I don’t know where I’ll be next year on July 4, but
hopefully I won’t be flying in a plane through fireworks. That would
probably be painful.

Five posts for the price of one!

Here you have it!

1. Michael Lehrer has
finally created a website and a blog. Using Blogger, he has avoided
unnecessary websites like Livejournal and Xanga. No offense to
Livejournal, but I’d rather just have my blog on my website like how
Michael has it now. So, stay tuned (hopefully) for moving day for my
blog. If Michael can do it, I can do it.

2. Speaking of blogs, it’s the summertime, so a lot of the typical
bloggers (at least on LJ) are on a hiatus. Therefore, LJ Land has been
slightly quiet recently. Should I update more to break the silence? Or
has everyone stopped reading this completely? Also, if you like to
write, or you have something to say other than the typical “what I ate
for breakfast” posts, make your own blog. Really. You can do it
(Michael Lehrer did!). If you have something to say, chances are that
someone else will listen. And in the quiet, relaxing summer, I bet a
lot of people go around wishing they could read what their friends
write. If you non-bloggers wrote something, I’d read it.

3. I went to the Taste of Chicago a few days ago with Ellie. Yum! I had
delicious corn on the cob, pizza, watermelon, and a chocolate-covered
banana (I tried to be somewhat healthy). I got pretty tan (okay, not
gonna lie, sunburned). I got a call from Daniel Picus in Israel while
we were there, yay. Then, we visited Millennium Park (I hadn’t been
there before). Though my ultimate goal in life is to go ice skating
there and we didn’t get to for obvious reasons, it was still fun.

Here are Ellie and I in front of the “Bean” sculpture.

4. I have added a new feature to my movie website where YOU too can
comment on the movies I’ve seen. If you’ve seen any of the movies I
did, and you had some form of opinion about it, or you just want your
name on the Internet a few times so that when you Google yourself
something real pops up instead of some website in German, let me know.

5. I am experimenting with videos, websites, and digital cameras. Visit my website
and click on My Videos. Try downloading the video(s) (depending on how
many I feel like uploading), and let me know if they work for you.
Right now, it’s a video from the amazing Hadag Nachash (Israeli hip
hop) concert.

Thank you for reading.