bril-lia-nce (by Lia Lehrer)

inherently funny.

Archive for December, 2005

Memoir #2

Posted by lia1031 on December 29, 2005

Here is the second memoir that I wrote. We had to do an imitation of an author’s style (Mary McCarthy, if you’ve heard of her), so that explains my long sentences, occasional short sentences for emphasis, use of semicolons, parentheses, and dashes, use of lists, and the way I mention my characters’ names (“Michael” instead of “my brother,” etc.).

(By the way, I got As on both papers and an A in the class. Yay for memoirs!)

I can mark the exact day my childhood ended. As on any other Sunday, my Sony Kids’ alarm clock woke me up to my favorite Beatles tunes; I ate my bowl of sugary cereal (Cocoa Puffs, Count Chocula, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch were my favorites)—I haven’t gone a day in my life without breakfast; I prepared myself mentally for a day of homework—English papers to write, chemistry quizzes to study for, and math problems to do—as well as general errands, like orthodontist appointments and buying the new pillow I needed. I said a cheery “good morning” to my parents and my brother Michael, and asked them what their plans for the day were. “We’re giving the swingset-clubhouse away to the neighbors today,” my dad told me.

I hadn’t played on the swingset in the backyard for years—I was too old for it, I had better things to do, I outgrew it—but when I came home later that night to find a more spacious, sophisticated, swing-less backyard, something inside me died. Just as I couldn’t imagine giving up Blue Bear—my oldest friend, who happened to be soft and fuzzy and have plastic eyes—it was hard for me to say goodbye to the Lehrer family’s own mini-playground that had been such an integral part of the fun I had as a child.

My dad had used a light brown piece of 4-by-6 lumber to connect the various components of this massive contraption: a silver parallel bar that glistened on sunny days, suspended by chains covered in shiny blue plastic, great for backflips and pull-ups; a hanging wooden seesaw, where two would sit and rock back and forth (that is, until it was used so frequently that when David—one of Michael’s larger friends—sat on it, it cracked); and two blue swings hung by the same blue chains. The grass underneath the two swings had eroded under the constant dragging of swinging feet. Connected to the side of the swings was a ladder with wooden rungs and a black rope with knots, both leading nowhere in particular—it wasn’t about getting somewhere, though, it was the good feeling we got as we made it to the top. What I remember as most impressive, though, was the clubhouse section—a wooden, two-leveled open platform with a ladder going up and a yellow slide going down, and a blue plastic sheet roof that looked like a tent: the top floor held a small picnic table, big enough for four young children; the bottom floor had only grass.

Michael and I would spend hours playing out here. We would swing back and forth on the swings, pumping our feet to get higher and higher; we would slide down the slippery slide; and we would run around the swingset to see who was faster and who could avoid tagging the other—but our favorite activity was the game we invented: “Swingkick.” It was like kickball, except that the kicker was not standing, but in mid-swing, and would kick the ball that the pitcher threw from a few feet away; the goal was to kick the ball as far as possible, without hitting the powerlines above us, and without kicking the ball into Denise’s yard next door—if that happened, we’d have to climb over the fence to retrieve the ball, which was not a desirable part of the game. Once, when I kicked the ball into the tall tree in front of me, it got lodged in between two branches, but Michael knew exactly how to recover the ball: I would get one of my old gym shoes—for some reason, I couldn’t bear to part with my old pairs of shoes—which he’d fire at the ball in the tree, thus sending the ball and the shoe tumbling down the branches. His method worked in getting the ball down, but the shoe was caught by the laces on a branch, where it stayed through the rest of the spring, summer, and fall.

On hot days, we’d set up the hose to spray the slide—our own makeshift water park: we even placed the inflatable blue and yellow kiddie pool at the bottom of the slide for an extra wet landing and a big splash; in the winter, we packed extra snow on the slide for an exhilarating ride that was more convenient and more fun than sledding or tobogganing at the park or at “Mount Trashmore,” the tallest hill in Evanston (we live in the Prairie State, so hills aren’t exactly common); when the weather was chilly, my mom would pack a picnic basket full of snacks for me to share in the clubhouse with Stephanie, my across-the-street neighbor, my favorite summer and afterschool playmate; we felt like we were on an adventure.

And that’s what this playground was for me—a hideout, a getaway from the real world of spelling tests (those were my first pieces of homework, in first grade, and they made me feel like a “big girl” in school) and practicing piano (I loved to play, but I hated to practice. I was supposed to practice five days each week, but I usually just practiced in the 20 minutes before my teacher arrived at my house for our weekly lesson). Soaring high into the air on a swing, I felt free, like I could fly; looking out from the tall clubhouse, I saw the world from a new angle, seeing the tops of the evergreen trees and the neighborhood houses and buildings—was that Tara’s chimney over there, or did it belong to the Jims? On the swingset, I felt no competition: Michael, Stephanie, the other neighborhood kids and I were all just having a good time together.

When I think of my home, I still picture the swingset-clubhouse in the backyard; I haven’t forgotten the small, simple swing in our front yard that my dad built from a piece of plywood and a rope; I still see the basketball hoop in our driveway: but after the swingset was dragged out of my life and into someone else’s, the front swing broke, and the basketball hoop was moved to make way for the new driveway (we couldn’t drive over it for two weeks) and landscaping (as soon as I left for college and my parents were “empty-nesters,” they took it upon themselves to redo our entire front lawn—the addition of oddly shaped bushes, unusual plants, and the deletion of our old, dying bushes makes it look like a different house). Each time I return home from college, something else that was an important, permanent part of my youth—something I thought I could count on forever—has gone.

Sometimes I wish I could just call Michael up and challenge him to a game of Swingkick, or invite him to a picnic in the clubhouse. But we don’t need the swingset anymore to be close; we can meet for lunch at Norris or take a walk down Sheridan Road instead. I talk on the phone, IM, or e-mail my parents daily—just like the swingset was, they have been nailed into my life by a strong hammer. I know that the next time I come home, what really matters in my life will still be there.

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The Art of the Memoir

Posted by lia1031 on December 28, 2005

This past quarter, I took a freshman seminar called “The Art of the Memoir,” where we read a lot of memoirs, and wrote two of our own. I figured that since what most of what I write in this blog is like a memoir anyway, I might as well post my memoirs.

Here is the first one I wrote (I’ll post the second one later).

The assignment was basically to “write a 4-6 page memoir.”

Enjoy!

I sat in the classroom with Ms. Honan and Andrea, crying.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Not the weekend I had worked so hard to plan. My fellow eighth graders were supposed to be in awe of the Jeopardy! program I wrote. They were supposed to eagerly absorb the knowledge contained in my carefully thought-out clues while laughing together and making new friends. After the program, they were supposed to run up to me, the Treasurer of Student Council, and praise my brilliance in creating such an incredible program. After the amount of work I put into this weekend, I imagined myself to be the most popular girl in school.

Instead, my eyes were wet with tears and my nose was red.

Andrea (the Student Council President), Adina (the Vice President), and I had met every week for months to plan this weekend, an overnight convention at school for our entire class. The teachers had prepared some of the programs, but we were to be in charge of several important sessions. We had designed a round-robin program, and each of us would lead one part of it. Andrea and Adina planned to lead an improvisation exercise and a relay race, and I prepared the trivia game.

After dinner, while the other students changed into gym shoes, touched up their lip gloss, and discussed whether or not Stephanie and Garrett were indeed holding hands, the Student Council triumvirate sprinted to our assigned classrooms to set up the programs. I had designed a scoreboard to look as good as Alex Trebeck’s, emptying nearly every drop of dark blue ink from my printer cartridge. I carefully taped up the squares that said $100, $200, $300, $400, and $500 under each category, ranging from history and religion to movies and musicians. I checked to make sure that I had all the questions and answers in my folder, and that the red, white, and blue poker chips that we would use to keep score throughout the evening were neatly stacked. I felt a twang of nervousness in my stomach as the first group of 30 of my peers bounded into the room.

They were chatting and laughing, still hyper with anticipation of the all-nighters they thought they’d pull later that night.

“Okay, guys, we’re going to start now, so please sit down.”

My words were lost in their squeals and songs.

“It’s time for Jeopardy! Are you guys ready?” They didn’t seem to be.

I looked at the teacher who had walked in with the students. She wasn’t helping.

“Can you help me quiet them down?” I asked her. Her feeble attempts were no match for the enthusiasm of the eighth graders. She demanded respect neither here nor in her own classroom. The students knew how to get away with anything in her presence. Why was she the one teacher assigned to my station?

I stood on a chair and some of the students began to gather around me. Maybe this will work out, I thought. Speaking loudly, I briefly explained the rules of the game, and began to read my Jeopardy! clues.

At first, my peers got into the game. They shouted out the answers without “buzzing” in, but that wasn’t so bad. After a few questions, though, they began to lose interest. The standing contestants wandered around the room, and the sitters stood. When I offered a clue they didn’t like, they told me how stupid it was. The people who weren’t interested in the first place became louder and rowdier. The smile on my face slowly disappeared.

When I saw the first blue poker chip fly through the air, my program collapsed in front of me. The chips were no longer in perfect stacks of equal height, but were being tossed across the room. And then it hit me. Literally. They were throwing the poker chips at me.

I could feel my eyes well up, but no tears came out. I wouldn’t cry in front of these kids. That would be suicide. I would be the butt of all jokes for the rest of the year. I kept looking at the teacher hopelessly. She was just a fly on the wall in a chaotic room. I felt alone and helpless.

The time for the groups to rotate could not have come sooner. That first group left, and two more came in. The other two groups were not as bad as the first, but they weren’t much better. I led the sessions half-heartedly, counting down the seconds until I could just leave and blend in with a crowd.

After the third group left, I found myself alone in a room trashed with papers, pieces of a blue scoreboard, poker chips, and desks and chairs scattered around the room. I cleaned up, disillusioned, and went to find Andrea and Adina.

Adina’s program went well, or maybe it didn’t, but she was the kind of girl who would make the best out of anything. She was confident for an eighth grader—nothing seemed to affect her.

Andrea and I commiserated about our unsuccessful attempts to lead a group of our classmates, and we let all of our emotions pour out. When Ms. Honan, the Assistant Principal, saw us, she brought us to an empty classroom and shut the door.
For the first few minutes, we merely sobbed. It felt good just to cry.

I replayed the scene of the classroom in my head.

“I—worked—so—hard—on—this—program,” I sniveled.

“I know,” Andrea said. “I can’t believe how rude our own friends were.”

“They threw things at me!”

Ms. Honan tried to comfort us.

“Girls, don’t let these silly eighth graders get you down. You know how they are.”

“I know, but still, I can’t help it,” I said.

The crying slowed. We sat there silently. Andrea and I went back to our sleeping room to calm down. We joined our friends later that evening for the programs that the teachers planned and for sports in the gym, but it was hard for me to look at my friends in the same way I did three hours earlier.

The rest of the weekend came and went. It was hard to forget about that one interminable hour.

* * *

I sat in the classroom with Mr. Kahan and 14 eighth graders, all listening attentively to me.

It was four years later, and I was back in the same building, in the same rooms, at the same convention. A senior in high school, I had returned to my alma mater as one of six junior staff members.

“Hi, I’m Lia, and I’m a senior at Niles West High School,” I told my group of wide-eyed eighth graders.

“You’re in high school? Wow!”

“My cousin goes to that school, do you know him?”

“Do you get a lot of homework?”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Where are you going to college?”

“High school is a lot of fun, guys,” I told them. “Yeah, there’s a lot of work, but you’ll be okay. I’m not sure where I’m going to college. But I can answer all your questions later, at dinner or during free time. Now, we’re going to have icebreakers.”

The six of us had worked with Ms. Honan and two other teachers to plan a weekend for the students to relax, mingle with new people, and learn the kinds of lessons they don’t teach you in the classroom. We looked forward to a scavenger hunt, dodgeball in the gym, educational programming, and more candy than kids could ever need. Each of us was assigned to lead a group of energetic middle schoolers in these programs.

I felt ready, confident in my leadership abilities. I didn’t need to memorize the leaders’ packet. I’d be okay.

We moved our chairs into a tight circle. We started with a simple name game.

“I’m Lia and I like lollipops; that’s Tali and she likes tomatoes,” I started. Some kids had played this game before; they knew which alliterated food item they liked best. Others pondered for a few minutes to come up with a really good answer: heaven forbid the other students would make fun of them for liking spinach or broccoli. Sugar and brownies would be better choices.

Mr. Kahan, the teacher assigned to my classroom, didn’t say a word. There was no need.
This icebreaker game and those that followed woke the eighth graders up, and prepared them for the educational purpose of the weekend. I led a discussion about personal characteristics that we value in a relationship, and, eventually, in a marriage. Do partners in a relationship need to have the same values? Is it important for a married couple to have the same religion? The students disagreed with each other. One even jumped out of his chair to make his point heard.

“You’re wrong!” he told his peer.

“No, I’m not!” she responded.

“Guys, guys.” I felt it was my place to intervene. “Please be respectful.”

As the students rushed out of the room for dinner in the cafeteria, Mr. Kahan and I stayed back to straighten up the chairs.

“You did a nice job there with those kids,” he told me.

I felt the way I had wanted to feel four years earlier.

Why was this time different? The building was the same, the teachers were the same. The programming was similar. The kids’ faces changed, but eighth graders will be eighth graders. What was different?

When I last had walked these same hallways, middle school was a big deal—the lockers towered above my head, the classrooms were huge, and there were so many stairs to climb. Now, I could see over the tops of the lockers, and compared to my huge high school, this building was tiny. I looked at the 14-year-olds. Was I—with my glasses and braces—ever that small?

Throughout high school, I lived to serve on boards, to chair programs, to preside. I worked hard—some would say too hard—but the emotional high I got from running a successful program left me craving more.

If I could go back and talk to my eighth-grade self, what advice would I give? Keep going. Don’t get frustrated. Things will get easier.
Somehow, though, even without my futuristic self as a mentor, I seemed to understand it anyway.

After my Jeopardy! fiasco in eighth grade, I never should have wanted another leadership role. I think I knew, though, that the way that program turned out was not how leadership would always be. Instead of using that night as an excuse to never plan another program, I challenged myself to become a better leader, and I vowed never to be a target for a thrown poker chip.

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Lia: a young NU prospie?

Posted by lia1031 on December 25, 2005

My dad recently found this picture, taken of me at the Fourth Grade Schechter Kallah:

I guess I was lying when I say that I never wanted to go to Northwestern until this past April…

Apparently, I was an NU prospie (that’s our cool term for “prospective student”) as early as fourth grade.

Who knew I’d actually end up there?

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“This is Chicago.”

Posted by lia1031 on December 23, 2005

I took the Metra (the train, for those of you non-Chicagoans) last night for the first time, and the L (the “elevated” subway) for about the millionth time. Here’s what I found.

Reasons why the Metra is better than the L:

-Seats are more comfortable

-Fewer questionable/sketchy people

-There are two levels! Like a double-decker train.

Reasons why the L is better than the Metra:

-Metra: $3.40. L: $1.75.

-You don’t need to keep a copy of the L schedule with you. It just runs all the time. You don’t have to wait half an hour for the next train.

-The L is much more colorful

-It’s $1.75 no matter how far you go. On the Metra, you have to pay more if you travel farther.

-There are very specific locations where you catch the Metra. The L is everywhere. I mean everywhere.

-When you’re taking the L, and you pay your $1.75, you know that you’re going to need that money to get through the turnstyle. No guessing or risk involved. On the Metra, you might pay your $3.40 for a ticket, and it might happen that no one checks it.

-On the Metra, when a stop is approaching, the train plays two notes and then announces the next stop. Those two notes, however, sound exactly like the first two notes of Auld Lang Syne. But the song doesn’t continue. I’ve been hearing that song a lot–it’s Christmastime, you know–and it was just a little unsatisfying.

-The Metra announces the next stop, but then when the train stops, it doesn’t remind you where you are. I’m assuming that this is because the kind of people who ride the Metra have better memories than L people. On the L, it’s just so great to hear “Clark and Division is next. Doors open on the right at Clark and Division….This is Clark and Division.”

-I heard someone say that they like to tell people that if they don’t get off at Chicago, they’ll miss the city.

-And last, but not least: I am in love with the L announcer. I dream about his voice and announcements. “This is Chicago. Doors open on the right at Chicago. Priority seating is intended for passengers with disabilities. Beep beep beep: we are being delayed, waiting for signals ahead. We expect to be moving shortly.”

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Wisdom teeth update: the next few days

Posted by lia1031 on December 21, 2005

I’m getting a little sick of writing about my wisdom teeth, so this will be my last entry about it. I just wanted some closure. (I was trying to think of a pun-y way to say that–like, I wanted to stitch up that hole, or I wanted to let the sedation wear off, or something. I think I failed, though.)

I don’t remember very well, but I think Friday was pretty boring. The best part of Friday, though, was a very unusual experience. I wouldn’t have a Shabbat dinner without eating challah, but I definitely could not open my mouth wide enough to eat full pieces. So, I ate my challah with a knife and fork. Yummm.

Saturday, Matt visited me =). It was definitely the most exciting thing that had happened all week.

Sunday, the most exciting thing I did all day was take a penicillin pill. You think I’m joking.

Monday, I got out of the house for the first time in forever to hang with five of my best friends. I had a really great time (you can see pictures at http://photos.yahoo.com/lialehrer); it was exactly what I needed to get my mind off my mouth.

Tuesday, Wednesday, whatever, I don’t really remember.

What has been extremely difficult for me, though, is the amount of things that I used to be so good at that I can’t do.

For example, I used to be exceptional at:
-Talking
-Smiling
-Laughing
-Sleeping
-Eating
-Yawning
-Sneezing
Now (well, it’s getting better now, so more like a few days ago), however, it hurts to do all those things, which makes me sad.

Thanks so much for your warm wishes and just checking up on me. Now, let’s hang out for real! I’m ready to venture out into the world. Yay.

Okay, no more wisdom teeth entries. I’m DONE.

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Wisdom teeth update: the first two days

Posted by lia1031 on December 16, 2005

Here’s the wisdom teeth update.

Wednesday morning, my mom drove me to the oral surgeon’s office. We filled out the necessary forms, and they called my name.

It was exactly how everyone had described it to me. They took my blood pressure. The oral surgeon came in, and said (as he was preparing my arm for the IV), “So is Northwestern the only school on break now?”
Lia: “I think so.”
O.S.: “Is that because you’re on quarters?”
Lia: “Yes.”
O.S.: [probably said some other things]
Lia: [fell fast asleep.]
Nurse: “Wake up, Lia, you’re done!”
Lia: “I’m done?”

And that was that. I was in a little pain, but it was fine.

I got home, and I needed to take penicillin and Aleve, but I couldn’t open my mouth wide enough to get a pill or a sip of water in there. Nap time.

I eventually woke up, in pain, and was (barely) able to take the pills. I had some applesauce, which was tough to eat. I think I went back to sleep. Eventually, I watched a movie, had a milkshake, talked online, and went to bed.

I woke up Thursday morning in much more pain. I took Vicodin, but I’m not sure if it even helped at all. I was just in SO much pain. I iced my mouth and everything, but I could barely talk. I walked around all day writing notes to my family in a notebook, and playing Charades.

(”Movie.” “Two words.” “First word.” “Star.” “Star Wars!”)

I slept a lot of the day, started reading The Red Tent, and watched another movie at night.

I don’t have “chipmunk” cheeks quite yet, but I do look a little funny. I’m not posting any pictures. Sorry.

If you want to see me, however, I would love a visitor. E-mail or IM me and we can set up a time.

That’s it for now. Hopefully I’ll feel better soon.

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Teeth!

Posted by lia1031 on December 11, 2005

Just as an FYI…

I am getting my wisdom teeth out this Tuesday (December 13, 2005), at around 10 a.m.

EDIT: Okay, I lied. My oral surgeon had a death in the family, so the surgery is being rescheduled to Wednesday at 9 a.m. What shall I do with this extra day?

I’ve never had surgery before, so I have no idea how I will react.

Will I…
-Get chipmunk cheeks?
-Be able to talk?
-Be able to eat whole foods?
-Be in pain?
-Enjoy the Vicodin way too much?

I’ll keep you posted.

So if you call me on Tuesday or Wednesday (or maybe even Thursday or Friday, I’m not sure), I will
a) Not answer
b) Answer, but sound like “Hehwo? I ga ma widdom teet pul. I ca ta now.”
c) Sound perfectly normal.

Once I wake up, though, I’m sure I will be checking e-mails and IMs.

If you were in the neighborhood, I may or may not like a visitor. I most likely will, but I can’t say yet. I’ll let you know. But come over–we can have milkshakes, and maybe you can put a bag of frozen peas on your face too so I don’t look like a loser by myself.

Awrih, I’ll ta to you soo! With me luck!

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Gotta love the meal plan

Posted by lia1031 on December 8, 2005

Last night, Shari, my lovely next-door-neighbor, discovered that she
had a lot of extra “points” in the meal system that would expire soon.

“Guys, I have about $21 in unused points. Let’s go crazy at the convenience store at Hinman [our dining hall].”

Upon closer inspection, she realized that not only did she have 21 extra points, but 4 extra meals. The total value? $100.37.

She gathered up all of our friends, and we were, quite literally, kids
in a candy store. We bought everything we’ve ever wanted but never
wanted to pay for.

“This looks good…I’ll try this!”
“Maybe I’ll be hungry for this tomorrow.”
“Maybe I’ll be hungry for this in three weeks.”

If I had a list of my top 100 favorite moments of college so far, last night would definitely make the list.

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And on the sixth day…

Posted by lia1031 on December 5, 2005

A friend told me a joke the other day:
“How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?”
Answer: “None. Feminists can’t change anything.”

Alright, pretty much the funniest joke I ever heard. And then the friend said, “Yeah, Ryan came up with that the other day.”

He came up with that? I’m a little skeptical. People don’t just come up with jokes. They’re just there. Nobody writes them.

“Yeah,” another friend said. “The jokes have been here always, like God created them on the sixth day.”

But it did make me think. Where do jokes come from? Who writes it? I guess somebody must.

In a research paper, when quoting something you didn’t write, you must
cite your sources. Can you imagine if we had to do that for jokes?

“Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked. Copyright John Smith 1983.”

“Why did the turtle cross the playground? To get to the other slide (Rogers 51).”

“Mary Bennett said in 1995 that a man went into a library and
approached a librarian. According to Bennett, the man said, ‘Hi, can I
have a hamburger?’ Bennett continues that the librarian exclaimed,
“What are you talking about? This is a library.’ The man, Bennett
writes, said, in a whisper, ‘Oh, sorry. Can I have a hamburger?’”

My dad had a story about this that I thought was funny.
    “I used to write limericks on the wall of the men’s room in Annie May
Swift Hall. I signed them ‘J’ or ‘Collected by J,’ as I thought that
the writers should get credit for their creativity.
    “So one day, at some kind of fancy dinner, I ran
into the Dean of the School of Speech. He said to me, ‘Are you J?’ I
said, ‘I’m not saying I am, and I’m not saying I’m not, but if you buy
the paint, I’ll repaint the bathroom.’
    “So the next day, there were a couple of gallons of
white paint by the door to the bathroom. (I was a house painter during
college, so I had all of the appropriate equipment.) So I painted the
bathroom, and did a darn good job of it.
    “I don’t endorse vandalism, of course, but I also promote creativity.”
–Jonathan Lehrer, 2005

So, in the future, try citing your jokes. Give credit where credit is due!

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