bril-lia-nce (by Lia Lehrer)

inherently funny.

Archive for March, 2007

Rebuilding New Orleans, from the ground up

Posted by lia1031 on March 29, 2007

Last week, I destroyed a man’s home.

I used a hammer and a wheelbarrow, a crowbar and a broom. I did it with 20 of my friends.

Simultaneously, 150 others destroyed homes in the same neighborhood.

Officials from the National Relief Network in New Orleans had instructed us to do this. In order for residents to rebuild after a storm like Hurricane Katrina, their homes needed to be gutted—all the way down to the dusty, wooden boards and the sticky sub-floor beneath linoleum tiles.

On the corner of Trapier Avenue and Fulton Street, Henry’s pre-storm house was like a museum. The murky waters of the storm had stopped just inches short of Henry’s stuffed animal collection from his youth, leaving them dry. The room next door was devoted to tchotchkes that must have accumulated throughout all of his 60 or so years of living in his childhood home.

We removed those objects one by one, wheelbarrow by wheelbarrow. Mold and dirty water that had stood for months after the levees broke had polluted the majority of Henry’s possessions. If anything was remotely salvageable, we placed it in the pile outside the garage for Henry to keep. We put the rest of the Henry’s prized possessions in the trash pile by the curb.

Henry was numb to the process. After a year and a half of seeing his house destroyed and watching his neighbors move away, what emotions could possibly remain?

The house empty, we grabbed hammers and removed the walls, the nails, the insulation. Three days later, all that remained was a shell.

Residents all over the city live the same process. Figure out what’s important; discard what’s not. Tear down the walls. Remove the nails that once held your life together.

In New Orleans, after people fled homes and left their lives behind, what remains is the foundation of the city. The culture. The spirit of helping. The “Southern hospitality” that encourages strangers to smile at each other.

While Henry watched the 20 of us—volunteers from around the country—dismantle his house, he may have seen it as us dismantling his life. Smashing his life to pieces like a sledgehammer on a porcelain bathtub.

But I hope he saw it as I did. Last week, I saw that where the government fails in relief efforts, volunteers fill in the gaps. I saw college students who chose to spend their spring breaks in a strange city, doing manual labor. I saw volunteers and locals breaking a city down to its essence and beginning to make a new start.

Last week, I destroyed a man’s home. But in the process, I helped make it possible for a man and a city to rebuild from the ground up.

Removing items from Henry’s house to place in the garbage pile.


The pile of trash in front of Henry’s house, including house materials like insulation and lumber, as well as Henry’s prized possessions.


The group in front of Henry’s house. Henry is in the black shirt.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

Who needs fashion when you have AP style?

Posted by lia1031 on March 16, 2007

Officials are still debating the health benefits of cereal commas.

(What’s a serial comma?) 

(What’s AP style?) 

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

In the beginning…

Posted by lia1031 on March 9, 2007

The Big Bang is stupid.

No, no, I’m not one of those religious fanatics who thinks the universe was “intelligently designed.” The Big Bang theory is great. The universe was nothing, then—bang!—suddenly it was something.

But who came up with that silly name?

As I learned this quarter, cosmology (the study of the universe) is full of unique terms. Redshift. Supernovae. Globular clusters. Singularity. These concepts are simple enough for English majors to understand, but they sound scientific enough fascinate the physicists.

The “Big Bang” sounds like it was invented by a fourth grader.

“Use your best imaginations, children. How do you think the universe came about?” “Ooh, ooh, was it a little spark?” “Nuh uh, it was a huge pop.” “Pick me, Ms. Frizzle—it was a BIG BANG!”

Much in the field of cosmology remains a mystery because, well, professors aren’t paid enough to travel to the Andromeda galaxy or the next one over. So maybe the concept of the Big Bang was initially just speculation.

“We know a lot happened all at once when the universe was formed. So…we think it made a rather loud noise. Perhaps a banging sound. And we think it was huge. Gigantic. Colossal. So really, it was a just a Big Bang.”

Maybe when the astronomers were naming cosmological objects, the stars and the planets weren’t the only things that were high.

“Yeah, I have this crazy idea. It’s wiiiiild. The universe started with a bang. And it was big. Reallyyy big, mannnnn.”

But the theory is valid. It makes sense, and if I was more interested in the history of the universe, I’d probably like to explore it further. But come on, astronomers. You came up with names like nebulae and fermions and the Schwartzchild radius. For an event as important as the beginning of time and space, you can’t come up with anything better?

If you’re so smart, clever scientists, tell me how the universe will end. If it had a beginning, it must have an ending. The universe will collapse into a state of high density and temperature, my textbook says, in an event astronomers call the “Big Crunch.” Okay, guys, you have approximately 42 billion years to come up with something better. Ready, go.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

I scream, you scream, we all scream for…social gatherings?

Posted by lia1031 on March 5, 2007

Why is it that whenever anyone serves ice cream, it must be called an Ice Cream Social?

What if I wanted to eat my Cookies ‘n’ Cream alone? If I wanted my Dulce de Leche all to myself, would that make me Ice Cream Anti-Social?

You never hear about people hosting a Broccoli Social or a Sushi Social. The former is not the kind of food you admit to your friends you actually eat, and the latter is just hard to say, especially with your mouth full of oshizushi.

If you’re going to serve Pizza, it’s automatically a Party. Same with Tea, whether you’re in Boston or not. And don’t even think about serving Chili outside of a Cookoff.

But why is Ice Cream inherently Social?

Maybe it’s that ice cream is a conversation starter. Are you a chocolate or a vanilla person? Rocky Road? Cherries Jubilee? Nutty Coconut is my favorite. It’s your favorite, too? We must be soul mates!

If you couldn’t bond over the Cinnamon Banana or Maple Peanut Butter ice cream flavors, caramel sauce or chocolate flakes might do the trick. You can reminisce about the rainbow sprinkles of your childhood, and if you’re not a cherry person, you can give yours away to someone who is. It’s an automatic Brownie point on a Fudge Brownie sundae.

But why limit our culinary social gatherings to ice cream? Let’s bond over Brussels sprouts. Connect over chicken sandwiches. Blend with smoothies.

If a person wants to eat his Lemon Pistachio ice cream alone in his room, he shouldn’t necessarily be considered Anti-Social. And don’t laugh at the girl who invites you to her Seitan Shindig—she just wants to make new friends.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »