bril-lia-nce (by Lia Lehrer)

inherently funny.

Archive for April, 2008

Bush and his minion

Posted by lia1031 on April 17, 2008


Photo from whitehouse.gov.

Actual caption:

Surrounded by Chabad rabbis, President George W. Bush signs a presidential proclamation Tuesday, April 15, 2008, in honor of Wednesday’s Education and Sharing Day, highlighting the important work of the Chabad Lubavitch movement. The Chabad Lubavitch movement promotes global education, and since 1978, every president has signed an Education and Sharing Day proclamation. (White House photo by Joyce N. Boghosian.)

Doesn’t quite do the photo justice.

Some other captions I came up with:

  • “If I sign this, does this mean you’ll stop kvetching?”
  • “Oy vey, the president is such a schlemiel. He doesn’t even realize that he’s making Tzom Gedaliah a national holiday!”
  • “So I’ll sign right here, and then you’ll ship me the hat and jacket?”
  • “Dear Diary, I met some new people today. They are absolutely nuts. Oh, whoops, they’re still here!”
  • “Hahaha. They’ll never understand what I’m writing. I’m writing from left to right, so they’ll never be able to decipher it.”
  • “Come on, Mr. President! Sign it already! We are waiting! We have been waiting for years! Always waiting!”
  • “Oy. The mashiach will come and go three more times before the Bush presidency is over.” (The Chabadniks believe the messiah has already come, that it was The Rebbe, Menachem Mendel Schneerson.)

From my dad:

  • “If we stand here long enough, he won’t be able to get away from the desk and declare any more wars.”
  • “Hey, Moishe, who’s the guy without the hat?”
  • “Purim 2008: U.S. President Rabbi Chaim Moskowitz (standing, in black coat and black hat) yuks it up as he and several members of the Cabinet take part in the annual White House Purim Spiel. In this skit, their deadpan stances nearly convince a skeptical audience that someone as dumb as that goy with the gray hair could actually be president.”
  • “President Bush signs an appropriation of $10 million to purchase new uniforms for supporters of Loius Farakhan. Behind the president, recently enrolled members of Farakhan’s organization model the new uniforms purchased by the federal government.”
  • “Signaling a new era of creativity in his administration, President George Bush signs an agreement with the Union of Orthodox Rabbis. Their beards will be used as emergency housing by FEMA in the event of another flood in New Orleans, provided that the flood lasts 40 days and 40 nights.”

What would you caption the photo?

And in case you haven’t had enough of Jews and presidents (or wannabe presidents), here’s another photo from the week:

Photo from msnbc.com.

Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., addresses Jewish community leaders Wednesday, April 16, 2008, at Congregation Rodeph Shalom in Philadelphia. (AP Photo.)

Better caption?:

  • “After complaints from congregants, the leadership at Congregation Rodeph Shalom in Philadelphia decided to bring in an outside speaker to deliver the Yom Kippur Appeal.”

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Top 10 South Florida culture shocks

Posted by lia1031 on April 7, 2008

Here I am in my backyard in sunny South Florida—a resort-like refuge for emigrants from destitute places like Cuba and New York City.

Naturally, every area has its unique culture. I’m having a great time here, but there are a few South Florida characteristics that require some adjusting.

1. Boats. Everyone here has boats in their backyards. Or swimming pools. Or both. If they have both, though, they also usually have an ocean. Whatever floats their boats.

2. The beach. The beach is everywhere. It is not a novelty.

3. Car sunburns. I need to wear sunscreen here all the time—even if I’m only going to be in the car. The sun’s powerful Florida rays strike even when I’m moving at fast highway speeds, protected by a roof and a visor. With my 45-minute commute to work twice a day, I’ll get tan even without the beach. But if I needed the beach, I could very easily find one (see #2).

4. The need for a jacket. I can’t let the nice weather fool me; I still need an extra layer of warmth here. When getting ready to leave the house, I grab my jacket. I leave it in the car until I get to the office. I don the jacket on arrival at the frigid, air-conditioned office. When leaving the office, I take the jacket off. Basically, I’m the epitome of a Floridian tourist with my sunscreen, camera and a sweatshirt around my waist.

5. Lack of pantyhose. I haven’t done quite enough research, but I’m pretty sure that the stores here don’t sell pantyhose. Or at least the CVS near my house doesn’t. I mean, I know it’s hot here, and I know flip-flops are the new gym shoes, but how are you supposed to wear nice heels to work without pantyhose? Maybe Floridians have magical feet, or feet that are so tough from the hot, sandy beaches that they can wear any type of shoe without any nylon help.

6. Hair and humidity. A Floridian friend of mine told me that once I got to Florida, my hair would never be the same again. How true it is. I may not be as smart as Einstein, but my hair often seems to lean in that direction. The frizz is annoying, but, hey, it’s all relative.

7. Grandparent getaway. Everybody has grandparents in South Florida. Your grandparents and your roommate’s grandparents probably played Mahjong together before the two of you even met.

8. Jews. There are quite a few of them in this area—way more than in Chicago, to my surprise. Consequently, there are plenty of synagogues, tons of great kosher restaurants and, ehhh, many, many Israelis. Maybe that’s why the drivers are so terrible (see #10).

9. Language. If you’re an all-American, Wonder-Bread-eating, native English speaker, you should probably buy a Spanish dictionary. Or a Hebrew or Haitian Creole dictionary. Better yet, learn to mime.

10. Transportation. There is no such thing as “rush hour” in South Florida—traffic is constantly bad. Slow-moving cars, incompetent drivers (Israelis?) and an impossible-to-navigate highway and interstate system make for a fun commute to work—one that would probably be quicker if I took a boat. Oh, yeah. So I guess everybody but me has a boat.

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