A few days ago, I found myself in a situation with my brother, his girlfriend, and my boyfriend. For the purposes of this discussion, let’s call them Michael, Rachel, and Matt, respectively. Michael and I were talking about something that only people in our family would understand (okay, I’m not going to lie, we were reading bits of Torah that we had memorized over the years [see rule #7 below]). Rachel and Matt looked at each other with a “What in the world are we doing dating these losers?” kind of expression.
It occurred to me that maybe other things that Michael and I do are foreign to our dates, and even to our close friends. Even if you don’t currently fit one of those categories, this may, one day, explain many things about Michael and me. So do keep reading.
The Official Guide to Dating a Lehrer
1. You will become a part of our family, whether you like it or not.
2. Our dad makes a lot of jokes. Just laugh at them. They’re usually mostly funny.
3. Our mom is a really good cook. We will never know whether you’re dating a Lehrer because you like us or because you like our mom’s food.
4. If you don’t watch Seinfeld, we won’t necessarily excommunicate you, but you will just not understand 90% of the things we say.
5. You will watch a LOT of Jeopardy! episodes.
6. You will become extremely knowledgeable in our synagogue’s politics.
7. We impress each other by showing off how much Torah we have memorized. We may recite this in your presence. If this is the case, just know that you will never understand us.
8. You will become very close with your boyfriend/girlfriend’s sister/brother.
9. We stay up really late at night (except for our mom, who goes to bed at 9:30 p.m.). When given the opportunity, then, we will stay up as late as humanly possible. Learn to follow our schedules.
10. No, we have never owned a bird. My mom just likes collecting birdhouses. We don’t get it either.
11. Between the four of us, we have people that can play clarinet, bass clarinet, tenor saxophone, bassoon, PVC Organ (“fwap-o-phone”), tuba, piano, and vocals. Of those, the bassoon is the most painful. We warned you.
And there you have it: 11 simple guidelines for understanding the enigmas that are Michael and Lia Lehrer. Enjoy!