Will my breakfast cause me to fail my drug test?

At a bagel brunch on Sunday, I took a bite of a bagel, chewed and swallowed. It was just what I needed after having already worked on a final project for three hours.

I looked down at the bagel, and then stopped suddenly before taking the next bite.

It was a poppy seed bagel. I have to take a drug test by the end of the week for my internship next quarter.

What if eating this poppy seed bagel makes me test positive for opium or heroin?

Nervously, I searched the room for help. “Is anyone here a Seinfeld fan?” I asked. “Or a marine biologist?”

I reached the table of AEPi freshmen, who, naturally, understood both my concern and the reference. They assured me that eating one poppyseed bagel would not affect my test results days from now.

“Okay, but if I test positive for the drugs, it’s on your shoulders,” I told them.

With only pumpernickel and more poppy seed bagels left in the brown paper bag, I ate the rest of my bagel, obsessively brushing off as many of the seeds as I could.

But when Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, started making the room snow, I knew I had had enough.


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