Trendy styles for your wife — and your other wife, the polygamist

We watched in shock recently as a polygamist sect in Texas was raided.

The secrecy, the number of inhabitants and the treatment of young girls was alarming. But the members of the Yearning for Zion sect committed a harsher crime.

A crime against fashion.

And the biggest shock? The true identity of the raiders of the lost compound.

We thought it was government and law enforcement officials. Now, a few months later, classified information just released reveals a more astounding truth.

The compound was raided by members of the Fashion Police. Their leaders?

Stacy London and Clinton Kelly, the hosts of TLC’s “What Not to Wear.”

Government officials wanted you to think they were protecting sect members from inhumane treatment; in reality, they were just covering up a major fashion revolution.

It was like in any other episode of “What Not to Wear.” Hidden cameras had been recording the polygamists for weeks, showing their various outfits. Stacy and Clinton watched in awe as the women wore pastel dresses, clunky brown shoes, larger-than-life hairstyles and makeup-less faces. And, just like in all other episodes, the fashion gurus forcefully entered with cameras, announcing that they’d be taking all sect members into custody for some serious makeovers.

“I love that these pastel dresses bring out your eyes,” Stacy said, “but can’t you get a little variety in there?”

Clinton was more concerned about dresses’ shapes.

“You all have beautiful figures,” he said. “Would it kill you to show a little collarbone? Maybe an elbow?

Much to the chagrin of the women, Stacy and Clinton threw away hundreds of the frumpy dresses.

Stacy told the women she understands their need for modesty. But if they’re going to pull off the “I’m just dressing different so I can get massive media coverage” look, they need to really stand out.

They recommended these looks:

For those women afraid to stray from their routine attire, Clinton said, the left outfit is ideal. The earthy tone is a bit more modern than the bright pinks and baby blues, but the style is similar enough to keep the polygamists comfortable. The belt (shall we call it a “bible” belt?) and the black hose accent the look to make the waist look thinner and the legs look longer.

Stacy and Clinton liked the second and third outfits for their outlandish quotient. If these women are going to get any marital or maternal rights, they need the public to take them seriously; and there’s no better way to be taken seriously than by wearing a top hat or a skirt that looks like a dead bird.

The fashion stars brought in Nick Arrojo and Carmindy, the “What Not to Wear” hairstylist and makeup artist, respectively.

Nick reinforced the idea that if the women are going to do the polygamist look, they must exaggerate it as much as possible – that’s what celebrities do.

Nick noticed that the women must be under the impression that having taller hair will let them onto the bigger roller coasters.

Before giving his suggestions, he asked the women to take their hair down so he could fully assess their tresses.

Finding a bit more than he expected, he suggested going all out with the high hair.

He gave one woman this hairstyle:

Another got this one:

“Hey, having hair from centuries ago only fits into the centuries-old tradition of polygamy,” Nick said.

He said he modeled another hairstyle after his favorite celebrity mother:

But it was this last hairstyle Nick designed that really stood out:

With exaggerated clothes and hair, these women merely needed makeup to wow the masses. Carmindy knew just what to do.

She added color:

And texture:

And came up with one final look she thought would do the trick:

“This look will be the solution to the national polygamy problem,” Carmindy said. “Once their husband sees them, he’ll divorce them all.”

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3 thoughts on “Trendy styles for your wife — and your other wife, the polygamist

  1. Oh man Lia, that was great. I absolutely love “What Not To Wear” And this was a perfect spoof on it. Very SNL worthy 🙂

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