Global Shrivilization

This past Saturday, while on a getaway weekend in Wisconsin with friends, I walked outside without a coat. In the middle of November.

As I write this, it’s probably 30 degrees colder than it was just a few days ago. But oh, the weekend, the sunshine, the unseasonable warmth — it was beautiful.

It kind of makes you appreciate global warming.

I know global warming is a bad thing. Because we don’t recycle our empty cans, the planet will eventually shrivel up and die. I know. But the unseasonable warmth in the middle of November is just so nice that it almost makes me want global warming to continue.

No, I don’t want the planet to die. This is the only planet I’ve ever lived on, so I don’t know how the others would compare, but I think Earth is a pretty decent place. So I don’t actually support global warming. I’m not pro-shriveling. I’m just pro-warmth.

When I think of “global warming,” I have this picture of Earth wearing a nice big pair of sunglasses, grinning from sea to shining sea. I imagine the sun coming out and all humans letting out this big group ahhhhhhh. You know that feeling when summer first begins, and people dust off their Frisbees and fill their bike tires with air? It would be like that every day. Block parties in January. Outdoor recess all year round.

We need to re-name “global warming” to make it more scary. “Climate change” doesn’t really do it either. We need something that will frighten people into recycling, push them to turn off the lights.

Global warming / climate change alternate name suggestions:

  • Global Warming…with a “dun dun dun” piano sound from a scary movie
  • Global Death
  • I’ve Got the Whole World in My Hands…and I’m Going to Crush It
  • Global Annihilation
  • If You Throw Away That Milk Bottle, Your Great-Grandchildren Will Die
  • Climate Apocalypse
  • Global Shrivilization

All kidding aside, climate change was barely mentioned during this election season — until a major storm hit American land, and now it’s on the minds of those affected by Sandy. Maybe if we focus on stronger words like those above, we’ll spend more time figuring out a solution to the problem and less time (as fun as it may be) picturing the Earth taking a sip of iced tea while lounging on the beach.


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