My flight bump demands

Last week, as Adam and I waited at our O’hare gate for our flight to Charleston to board, we heard an announcement:

“We are looking for one person to volunteer to go on a later flight, leaving for Charleston in a few hours. If you agree to be bumped, we will give you $200 in United travel vouchers.”

No one volunteered. A few minutes later, they made the same announcement, and then again. But the next time they made the announcement, it was the same, except that this time, they offered $400 in travel vouchers.

The group at B8 got excited. “I’ll wait until they raise it to $800,” one person said.

Well, airlines, in case you’re interested, here are my few simple requests that would make me want to get bumped to the next flight:

  • I’m not getting bumped by myself. You have to offer the same deal to whomever I’m traveling with.
  • I want free Wi-Fi while I’m waiting, and a good, working outlet near a window.
  • I’ve already eaten breakfast, but I would like a free mid-morning snack and a lunch; and if my desired lunch choice is in a different terminal, then make them deliver it to me.
  • Please turn the gate TVs to something other than the news. It’s depressing and it just repeats itself over and over. I want to watch one of the following shows: 1. Glee (on full volume). 2. Gilmore Girls. 3. Full House.
  • When I get on my flight later in the day, can I please have a window seat, and also, can I sit next to someone who isn’t looking for their new best friend and doesn’t mind if I just sleep the whole time?
  • None of this “voucher” stuff. The $400 is fine, but I want cash money. Or Old Navy gift cards.
  • In recognition of my altruistic, selfless act of giving up my seat and accepting a later flight, I think it would be nice to put my name on a small plaque near that gate, so that people know of my heroism.
  • I would like to take a picture with the pilot, and also, I would like an airline pin.

Do these things and I will be the best airline flight bump volunteer you’ve ever seen.

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