YouTube — my new video editor and critic

I recently posted a video to YouTube for work (it’s of the Temple Jeremiah Purim Schpiel — you might as well check it out!). It’s a one-minute clip that I shot without a tripod.

When I posted it to YouTube, I was excited (and a little embarrassed) to see that YouTube noticed that my video was a little shaky. (Isn’t it the tactful thing to do, YouTube, to just tell me it’s nice and not hurt my feelings?) YouTube asked me if I wanted it to correct the shakiness and steady the video. I said yes, and now I have a mostly steady video.

But it made me wonder: While YouTube is at it, what else can I hope that it will correct or change about any future videos I upload?

  • “We’ve noticed that the lighting in your video was a bit dark. We added some extra light, as well as a few spotlights on the more attractive subjects.”
  • “We saw that your video doesn’t have subtitles. We’ve decided to use Google Voice to transcribe the voices on your video and add [somewhat accurate] closed captioning.”
  • “Some of the singers were a bit off key, so we autotuned them to the proper notes. Also, they now all sound like Michael Jackson.”
  • “A few of your interview subjects needed haircuts, so we’ve hired our best stylists to update their hairstyles.”
  • “One of the people in your video made a joke that didn’t seem to go over well with your audience. We’ve spliced out that joke and replaced it with one from Jerry Seinfeld.”
  • “A different person made a joke that we thought was truly funny, though the audience didn’t seem to get it. They must not have heard it! So we amplified the laughter in the audience to fit the proper volume of laughter necessary for a joke of that caliber.”
  • “We’ve noticed that you didn’t include any product placement in your video. Our sponsors request that all videos have sponsors, so you may notice a Coke machine that might not originally have been in the background of your stage. You may also notice that they are all wearing Verizon t-shirts and sweatpants that say BMO Harris Bank. The check from these sponsors is in the mail.”

Thanks, YouTube — with your help, I know that every video I upload from now on will be of utmost quality.

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