Turn on the heat, please!

It’s October, it’s cold outside, it’s cold inside, I’m freezing, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I live in a high-rise apartment building, and I guess this is just one of those things that comes with the high life: The building management decides when they turn off the air conditioning and turn on the heat.

I think it’s sort of based on the weather — like if the temperature falls below zero for six months in a row, they’ll turn on the heat. Or maybe they have to poll the residents, and some of the people in my building ENJOY the cold. (These people are clearly not people, but in fact are polar bears.)

You might argue that this issue is the benefit of living in a free-standing home where you can type in a number that you’d like the inside temperature to be and it magically happens. And while I do look forward to that kind of lifestyle in the future, for now, I’m grateful for not having to shovel snow off my sidewalk every time Chicago sneezes thundersnow.

It made me wonder: What if the building management controlled other aspects of what went on inside my apartment?

  • Lights must be out by 10 p.m. Actually make that 9 p.m., you’ve all been looking really sleepy lately.
  • No reality TV shows allowed. Seriously, if you have that much free time, start watching scripted shows.
  • Everybody in the building is having chicken and broccoli for dinner tonight. Dessert is red grapes. And no snacking after 9 p.m.
  • Tuesdays are apartment cleaning days! Grab your Swiffer and your Pledge and get to work. We’ll blast “Whistle While You Work” throughout the building for your enjoyment.

In the meantime, I’ll sit with my layers of sweatshirts, blankets, Snuggies, and mittens, until the management decides it’s time to warm up.

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