A better form of car alarm

carHonk. Honk. Honk. Honk. Honk. Honk. Honk. Honk.

There’s got to be a better system than what we currently have in terms of car alarms.

In case you’ve been living in the desert for the past 30-plus years, here’s how it works. You’re enjoying the crisp, fall weather outside or the re-runs of “West Wing” inside and you start to hear a series of the loudest, most nagging noises. Maybe 20 or 25 headache-inducing honks in a row.

It could mean any of the following things:

  1. Someone broke into your car
  2. Someone broke into someone else’s car
  3. Someone accidentally brushed against your car
  4. Someone accidentally brushed against someone else’s car
  5. A different car drove over a speed bump too quickly near your or someone else’s car
  6. Your car is bored
  7. The car alarms are actually a secret car language that our vehicles use to talk to each other

So then you think for a minute: How likely is it that #1 is occurring right now? And if #1 is actually occurring right now, by the time I remember where I parked my car, I’m sure the criminal will be long gone. So I might as well sit here and continue enjoying my French macaron.

There’s got to be a better system.

Now, full disclosure, I’m not an expert in this nor have I done any research whatsoever on this topic, so it’s very possible that there is a better system. Maybe our cars already have a system where they can automatically call your phone when under attack. Though I guess if #6 above is correct, you might not appreciate the constant calls from your car; and if #3 is correct, you’ll be getting a lot of butt dials.

I have the perfect solution. Turn off the annoying honking alarms — that noise pollution is not going to help anyone except for the occasional moment when you forgot to set your morning wakeup alarm. Then — if your car is, in fact, being burglarized, the car’s built-in camera feature will take a picture of the burglar and immediately post it to Instagram (preferably from an unflattering angle). You might not catch him right away, but one of his friends will definitely notice the sepia version of the guy with the soft, rising sun in the background — and even if they don’t call police, the guy will surely be embarrassed.

If your car is not being burglarized, and it’s just an accident, then your car will automatically post a fun fact about itself to Twitter. Something like: “Did you know that in 1982, I, @hondaaccord2004, became the first Japanese car to be produced in the United States?” This will hopefully solve the boredom.

As for the cars speaking in a secret language … your guess is as good as mine. [cue Twilight Zone music]


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