When I purchased tickets for an a cappella concert this past Sunday night at the House of Blues in Chicago, I didn’t know that my kind of people weren’t welcome.
My kind — meaning people shorter than six feet.
At amusement parks, at least the signs warn you in advance: “Do not ride this roller coaster unless you are 58 inches tall.”
But imagine my disappointment when I arrived at the concert as a full-paying customer (okay, I got discounted tickets on Goldstar) and I could not see the show.
I knew this was a “standing” concert — and as a proud owner of a standing desk, I was excited to burn extra calories while listening to the talented vocal-only sounds of singers from NBC’s “The Sing-Off,” one of my favorite TV shows. I prepared for the standing marathon by wearing semi-comfortable shoes and switching to a messenger bag purse that wouldn’t hurt my shoulders.
But to not be able to see the performers? I wanted my money back. You’re discriminating against somewhat short people like me! While my personality may seem tall, I only occupy five feet and two inches of the world’s vertical space — and my frustration felt tall as a giant.
My fiance, the six-foot-three-inch (“six-foot-five if you count the hair”) Adam, had no problem seeing, of course. We’re both too old for him to lift me up onto his shoulders, but I was ready to ask him to describe the stage in detail. “What are they doing now?” “They’re doing boy-band-style dance moves that go along with the song ‘Uptown Funk.'” But luckily, we did find a spot where I was able to see the stage — in the theater’s last row, just behind a restricted area, and perfectly located near the food counter selling grilled cheese and fries (which we enjoyed).
For our next concert, I’d consider wearing high heels to give me some extra height, but then of course I’d be complaining about my aching feet during the two-hour show. We could have paid extra to get those box seats on the side — you know, the seats where those old critics on the Muppets sit — but then we’d be complaining of strained necks. In other words, no matter how you look at it, a cappella music is bad for my health.
Sorry, “Sing-Off” musicians. If NBC continues this show — PLEASE, NBC, for the love of a cappella, continue the show! — I look forward to watching it from the comfort my my living room. I’ll even make my own grilled cheese.